Monday, February 26, 2007

Live-blogging the Oscars!

That's right...I'm live-blogging the Oscars and I hope to give you minute-by-minute coverage of everything OSCAR, from the fabulous dresses to the big-time award surprises! You best hold's going to be a non-stop thrill ride!

8:35 p.m. OMG. Who were those people? White is boring. Why are ugly people on the screen?

8:36 p.m. Ellen is just delightful...for a lesbian.

8:37 p.m. I hope she starts dancing! It's an absolute delight on her show!

8:42 p.m. LEO! Grrrrrrrrr-eat facial hair! Keeping the goatee alive. Me likee!

8:43 p.m. Once again: delightful. That choir bit was HI-larious.

8:45 p.m. Pan's Labyrinth? That looks weird. And too foreign.

8:48 p.m. Marry me, Maggie G! But who cares about all of these nerds. BOO!

8:53 p.m. Jack Black is too violent for my tastes. It seems like they are hiding the attractive people behind that weird screen this year.

8:56 p.m. Click wuz robbed!

8:59 p.m. Kids are always funny. But that Pinkett-Smith kid deserves a serious SPANKING for flubbing his lines.

9:04 p.m. Who cares about short films? NOT ME!!

9:10 p.m. So Penelope ain't from Mexico?! Big deal. She speaks Spanish, right? No need to apologize're doing great! And I think Penelope Cruz comes from Fabulousville...population: HER!!!

9:12 p.m. Those people making noises are funny, but where is Michael Winslow!? I'd love to see that Kung Fu movie bit!

9:18 p.m. More sound awards. Can you say "YAWN" in 5.1??

9:21 p.m. I didn't see Dreamgirls, but Eddie Murphy should have won because it was the first time in a while he hadn't played multiple characters. We should celebrate that kind of restraint.

9:25 p.m. Those shadow people are like demons!

9:30 p.m. James Taylor...ain't no heroin gonna hold me back...I'm at the OSCARS, BABY!?

9:34 p.m. Melissa Etheridge has a message, people! More lesbians!?!

9:35 p.m. Al Gore is swelling up like James Doohan.

9:44 p.m. Happy Feet looks downright wonderful, but I didn't see it. I hope no baby penguins died like in that March movie. DEPRESSORAMA!

9:46 p.m. Writers like writers?! Big whoop!

9:52 p.m. Tom Hanks makes a funny. So does Helen Mirren. Too bad they have to cede the stage to a bunch of writing uglyfaces!

9:54 p.m. Some writer guy is talking.

9:58 p.m. Anybody catch Jack Nicholson? Is he supporting Britney? Way to go, Jack!

10:02 p.m. Those chairs look comfy.

10:04 p.m. Is that costume lady married to that guy from Total Recall who had a psychic baby in his stomach? Way to marry up!

10:08 p.m. Tom Cruise is not being creepy...bad thing?

10:11 p.m. Ellen and Clint: priceless! Comic gold!

10:14 p.m. Pan's Labyrinth may have good cinematography but it looks like it smells funny.

10:16 p.m. Pizza rolls are delicious!

10:21 p.m. Pirates for best Visual Effects?! YES!

10:24 p.m. Some foreign people are talking.

10:25 p.m. Foreign films=SNOOZE ALERT!

10:29 p.m. That smelly Pan movie didn't win! Phew!

10:34 p.m. Jennifer Hudson won! Somebody call Nutri/System! Haha. I kid. It's great that OSCAR is weight-blind.

10:42 p.m. No one watches short movies.

10:46 p.m. Jerry Seinfeld: hopefully not a racist like his pal, Kramer!

10:48 p.m. Al Gore wins again...trees are great and all, but what ever happened to GLAMOUR!?!

10:52 p.m. Clint Eastwood: great director...but he can't act for crap! Look at the way he flubs his lines. Keep him away from starring roles!

10:55 p.m. Celine Dion is Canadian.

10:59 p.m. Ennio Morricone: Italian!

11:07 p.m. That Babel guy played some weird instrument. I don't like it one bit!

11:15 p.m. I didn't see Little Miss Sunshine because of the gay content.

11:22 p.m. Singing! Dreamgirls! Beyonce! Fabulousness!

11:25 p.m. Will the singing ever stop?

11:29 p.m. Best Song: apparently lesbians control Hollywood: Melissa Etheridge wins!

11:35 p.m. I can't get enough of these montages. I particularly like Michael Mann's tribute to esoterica itself!

11:43 p.m. I know I should care about editing, but I don't. I say, throw it all in a blender and let God sort it out!

11:47 p.m. Some people died last year. Do we know them? I don't know. Most of them were ugly.

11:51 p.m. Helen Mirren is one hot grandma. But she is British so her teeth are probably scary.

12:02 a.m. A BLACK GUY (Mr. Whitaker) WON! This is groundbreaking TV! I thought Battlefield Earth was underrated!

12:06 a.m. A short famous director just won an award from three taller directors. Apparently, great directors are not chosen for their looks. Get thee behind the camera, ugly sticks!

12:12 a.m. The excitement is pee-inducing!

12:14 a.m. When did Dr. Clean get so cool? And where is Annie Hall's tie? The Departed sends us on our way! I never tire of that Marky Mark. I heard "Good Vibrations" and became an instant Wahl-flower!

Well, that's it. What a fabulous display of wondrousness! I hope you enjoyed my LIVE-BLOGGING of the Oscars.

As Will Smith might say, "Peace OUT!"

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